It starts innocently.
A child sits on the floor, surrounded by toys, blocks scattered everywhere.
He picks up two and says, without hesitation:
“I want this and this.”
No conflict.
No tension.
No apology.
Just addition.
“And” is the first logic most of us ever use.
It stacks. It builds. It expands.
Then We Teach a Different Word
A few years later, the same child reaches for two things again.
This time, an adult steps in.
“You can have this… but not that.”
Nothing dramatic happens.
No lecture. No correction.
Just a substitution.
“And” is quietly replaced by “but.”
And that single word does something subtle and permanent.
What “But” Actually Does to the Brain
“But” pretends to be neutral.
It sounds reasonable.
Balanced.
Adult.
But cognitively, it works like a delete key.
Everything that comes before “but” is softened, downgraded, or cancelled by what comes after it.
- “I like the idea, but…”
- “That makes sense, but…”
- “You’ve done well, but…”
The brain doesn’t hear balance.
It hears reversal.
“But” signals: prepare for disagreement.
Now Add This Uncomfortable Fact
Language itself is not neutral.
When linguists analyse English sentiment at scale, they consistently find that positive words make up only a tiny fraction of the language.
Depending on the dictionary used, roughly 2–5% of commonly used words are clearly positive.
That means 95–98% of language is neutral or negative.
Most of what we say is not uplifting by default.
It leans flat or critical unless we intervene deliberately.
So when we choose a word that already negates what came before it…
We are stacking negativity on top of a language that is already biased that way.
School Locks It In
By the time we reach school, “but” is everywhere.
- You can play, but only after work.
- You did well, but there’s room for improvement.
- That’s creative, but follow the structure.
No one says this to be cruel.
But the effect is cumulative.
We learn that:
- Agreement is provisional.
- Praise is temporary.
- Expansion must be justified.
“And” starts to feel naïve.
“But” starts to feel intelligent.
Then We Take It to Work
Listen carefully in meetings.
- “This could improve performance, but it’s risky.”
- “I agree with you, but we don’t have time.”
- “That’s a strong idea, but it won’t land.”
The intention is rarely negative.
The impact almost always is.
Because in a language already dominated by neutral and negative words, “but” doesn’t just balance.
It tilts.
Now Try One Small Replacement
Replace just one word.
- “I agree with you, and we need to think through the risks.”
- “This could improve performance, and it introduces new considerations.”
- “That’s a strong idea, and it will challenge how we work.”
Nothing is ignored.
Nothing is softened.
Nothing is denied.
But the emotional direction changes completely.
“And” doesn’t erase complexity.
It holds it.
Why “And” Feels More Positive (Even When It’s Not)
“And” stacks meaning.
It tells the brain:
Both things matter.
In a language where positivity is scarce, “and” becomes a quiet amplifier.
It adds rather than subtracts.
It accumulates rather than cancels.
Where “but” says yes, then no…
“And” says yes, now what?
That shift alone changes how people listen.
This Is Why Leaders Struggle to Sound Positive Without Trying
Most leaders aren’t negative.
They are just using default language.
And default language is neutral-to-negative.
Replacing “but” with “and” doesn’t make communication softer.
It makes it more adult.
Because it removes the escape hatch.
You can no longer dismiss one side of the tension.
You have to carry both.
The Quiet Reframe
Children start with “and.”
Adults learn “but.”
Leaders relearn “and.”
Not because it’s nicer.
But because it’s more demanding.
In a language where almost everything already leans away from positivity, choosing a word that adds instead of cancels is not cosmetic.
It’s structural.
Final Thought
You don’t need more positive words.
You need fewer subtractive ones.
Replace “but” with “and” consistently, and you don’t just change tone.
You change how people think about what comes next.
And that stacks.
